I came across this article from yesandyes and I loved it. Of course, it is more applicable to dating than for arranged marriages but the underlying philosophy is applicable to everyone. Here are parts I really loved –
“Plenty of dudes will want to form a “fun little team” with you, particularly if you’re smart and highly evolved and you have your shit together.”
“It makes me wonder if you’re really showing up or not. It makes me wonder if you don’t want, so badly, to be someone’s dream girl, that you’ve got your hands on all of the sliders and the knobs (sorry!) at all times, controlling all the levels to achieve the perfect mix. Does he look impatient? Turn up the tempo. Does he seem bored? Pump up the bass. Does he seem on edge? Turn down the treble. Play up the mid-range.”
“Either way, you are a government certified, grade-A, consumer-friendly woman, approved for multiple uses, from forming a fun little team to kind, healthy, mature fence-sitting!”
“You’re putting up with whatever. You’re never getting ruffled or hurt. When someone breaks up with you, you’re not yelling “Whyyyyy?!!!” In fact, you imply that only a weak or less evolved person would do that.”
“You’re so good at being GOOD. But how good are you at being YOU? You know what makes a spark? A real human being with a bad attitude who’s tired of moving shit just to sit down in a motherfucker’s apartment.”
“Because let me tell you the god’s honest truth: A lot of women out there are afraid of being something. The template for us is pretty clear: We are meant to have clean skin, a pleasant demeanor, and a nice rack.”
“But there are lots of ladies around me, everywhere I go, who hesitate to say what they’re thinking and feeling. They go with the flow, they never make waves. And eventually, they don’t even seem to know what makes them who they are. They live to serve. They read the books that other people are reading. They say the pleasant things that other people are saying. They never put their needs first, unless it indirectly serves someone else — a manicure, some highlights. They make sure everyone around them is 100 percent satisfied. Like grocery-store managers. Like customer service reps. Like masseuses who also give free happy endings.”
“If that sounds sexist or demeaning, then it’s by design. The developed world is packed to the gills with shiny, pretty sheep who will never step on your toes. I know many representatives of the middle-class suburban version of this, and I even know women in creative fields who pull the same “Me, too!” face in everything they do. It’s soul-sucking and it’s problematic and let me just say, too, that it is a FUCKING SNOOZE.”
“Like you yourself wrote: YOU SHOULD BE CHERISHED.“
“Because even the ladies who step right in line and aim to please, they have lots of spark, if that’s what makes them happy. YOU WANT MORE THAN THAT. The lack of spark within you comes from the conflict between WHO YOU TRY TO BE and WHAT YOU REALLY WANT FOR YOURSELF. You want more. You act like you don’t want more, you act like you’re satisfied, but in fact, you want a lot more.”
When I read this, I could think of several women who fit the profile who fit this. They are in 2 categories –
a) Women who are free to date and want to be in a relationship and don’t express themselves. They feel bad that there is this lack of passion. Yup, because robots do not invoke passion, raw humans do with all their imperfections. The advice above goes against the grain for women who have been taught to be good. Yes, don’t be a bitch because nobody wants to be around one but self respect and not expressing your feeling in a respectful manner is not bad. You can’t always be on the fence. Sometimes, you have to take a side.
b) Women in arranged matches who are forced to be the ideal wife/DIL/mother without anyone giving a thought to their self expression and what makes them tick. Again, people want robots they can control to varying degrees.
To put it concisely, be your best authentic self. Do not pretend to be somebody to please others, especially in a relationship. This is applicable to everybody irrespective of gender. Of course this is more for women as women as a whole tend to be more prone to fall into the people pleasing mode and perfectionism. Basically, how can someone like you in a relationship when you are not in that relationship? Resentment builds over time, when you are constantly pretending and it does come out in form or another.
P.S: That does not mean you have to a jerk or yell at other people. If something bothers you, bring it up in a respectful manner.