A connection


R often boards the same bus as me on my way to office and we got talking. She was telling me how her husband  and she barely spoke to each other. He came from office, watched TV/played video games and went to sleep. He is away travelling for work a lot. I felt it was not normal and told her so. 

“But he is in a stressful job. So, he does not feel like talking” – Well so are many others.

This generation of men are like that” – I don’t think so.  Isn’t this considered an older generation family style? Silent father, works hard, provides money. Mum takes care of household. They barely communicate.

“My cousins also complain of the same thing. They are housewives and they have no one to talk to” – Still this is not normal.

I asked her if he was always like this and how was their communication before marriage. 

” I had an arranged marriage. My family would not let me communicate with him.”

That reminded me of K, whose parents told her to talk less to her fiance, when they had many disagreements after the engagement, instead to looking if the couple was compatible or not. This is like, just get married.  Then you can’t walk out of it, even if you have issues.

I think the real issue in R’s case was a lack of connection. They got married but they don’t have a connection. If she could talk so much to someone she meets on the bus occasionally, why can’t it be the same with her spouse.

There is pressure to get married and the arranged way. Society ensures that a couple does not build connection. Mothers latch onto their sons because they do not have a connection to their husbands. They do not like DIL and ensure their son and his wife do not bond.  And the cycle continues.  

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22 thoughts on “A connection

  1. Men with such traditional mindset have been seen gossiping galore with office colleagues (female) their mindset that wives should not be told everything and be kept at a distance makes them turn mute at home. Also the misguided concept that ‘he’ is the provider, protector hence can be seen as in need of support. Discussing office problems is akin to accepting defeat in battle, u see.

  2. I still cannot understand this nation’s fascination with arranged marriage. There’s a line about it in the movie ‘Shudh Desi Romance’ when the lead guy says that “Pata nahi hamare desh waalon settlement ke picche kyun padte hain, 60 saal se do padosi desh ka settlement to nahi kar paaye phir bhi bade chaudhary bane chlate hain” (or something like that)

  3. Your observations are very interesting. I too believe that it is these societal roles where man=work, woman=house.
    As a foreigner looking from the outside in, I find many of my (Indian) family members to have a lot of difficulty expressing their emotions and communicating their needs openly. I wonder if that has something to do with it too, along with the societal roles.

    1. Yes, duty/sacrifice/righteousness are glorified over love/emotions. Isn’t that the same with all religions? Why would I be interested in a higher cause when i am taught to bother about my family/friends only? Hinduism/Buddhism rely on telling people to be detached- everything is maya, religions of the book – sacrifice everything to the one or burn forever in hell kinda thing.

  4. Gosh you’ve verbalized what I have been feeling for sometime. Mine wasn’t an arranged marriage, yet I feel this lack of connection. The husband doesn’t seem to realize it because we live with his parents. It can be rather disconcerting when we don’t get much time together..

    1. The question to ask would be – did you have it before? Was it good? If it was great, doesn’t your husband miss it/need it/want it?

      A connection between spouses is not valued in traditional societies – duty and family bonds are. When a person’s need for connection overrides this sense of duty/family – how can they not miss it and crave for it?

          1. Ask me about it! At 29 I am still grappling with voicing what I really feel and speaking my mind uncensored and sans the fear of being judged. I am trying but it is easier. So blogging is what I resort to clear my mind of its clutter:)

            1. True. I believe there must be at least 10 people in the world to whom we can speak uncensored, we are yet to find them. Not too much to ask for in a world with 7 billion right?

    2. @liveonimpulse, I felt the equation change between me and my BF when I visited his home and stayed there with his parents- and it took only weeks. It was very very subtle, but definite. The only way to re-establish the ‘life partners and lovers’ equation is to mandatorily go on ‘dates’ and plan recreational activities. Sorry if this seems unsolicited 🙂

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