I got really angry mad this weekend. Boiling rage would be more like it. Sometimes I am amazed at how angry I can get. I wonder how much more anger lies within me. I am shocked and I am ashamed in a way too of my anger. I feel I take everything too personally. I am angry at social injustices. I get so very angry at how things are in my country. I get angry when people judge me and treat me unfairly. I take things too personally and get angry.
One aspect I have been consciously working on for the past 2 months and have improved in is proper expression of anger at the right time with the right person. Earlier, if somebody pissed me off, I would never say it out and the anger would just build up and one fine day blow up on someone unrelated and I would not even know why I was initially angry or the person who was the cause of it. Now you pissed me off, you are going to know. I do not like the way you treated me; I am going to let my displeasure show. Before this, I would just blow up in someone’s face because I was close to them, because they did a tiny thing that made me blow up but I would not have addressed the real cause of my anger. Now I look back and analyse why I became angry. Why someone saying a certain thing triggered me so much. Often it has to do something that happened to me in my past, which makes me edgy or brings up negative emotions which make me lose my cool. Understanding that makes me go back in the past and disconnect the incident back then to the present situation.
It really is hard work trying to pinpoint the exact cause of your anger and one of the reasons for it is to do with not expressing myself at all. I still hesitate to express myself but now if I look back in anger/irritation at something, I decide if I should do something about it or just stop thinking of it. I believe my inability to express myself is a result of:
- Just the way I have been – shy
- Following my dad’s emotional pattern
- Realising that I do not fit in and hence not trying to stand out by expressing myself
- Our society/culture which expects women and children to just shut up and do what they are told and not oppose elders.
- The image that has been fed into my head that I am this quiet shy child who never loses her cool and a result of me trying to live up to that image.
- Also, the image that is indoctrinated into our heads about ideal people never getting angry, especially women who are just supposed to be these set of creatures overflowing with love and patience. Okay, I accept I can never be an ideal Indian woman, never ever and that is okay.
So now, even though I am working on proper expression of my anger, there is something more I want to work on – the sea of anger within me. Dealing with it. Why do I even have it when there is nothing can do about it? Not like I am in charge of everyone in this world, their behavior and their ideas. I need to let go of my pent up anger, my sense of shame which never found a proper outlet for years.
Which made me realize a fact which amused me in a funny sad way – When it is so difficult to control my own mind and emotions, why in the world does our society think they can control women into becoming robots? I have been a-religious since I was 10 years old and no amount of social indoctrination has changed that. I hate weddings as long as I can remember and nothing could change that. Is it not ridiculous to think you can influence me to change when I have not for so many years?