Self Racism

I was in the lift with a white guy.

Lift door opens.

There are 2 cleaning ladies who wanted to transport their cleaning stuff to another level.

On seeing us in the lift, they refused to enter and closed the lift door.

The white guy opens  the door and ask them to come in because there was space in the lift.

Me (surprised):  “Is there something I missed?  Why did they refuse to enter the lift?”

White guy: “Probably because we were in the lift and they do not want to disturb us, sort of like respect as they are cleaning ladies.”

Me: “None of the cleaning ladies ever refused entering a lift when I was in the lift!”

White guy: “Most of them refuse to enter the lift on seeing me”

Me:  “This is self racism! They are automatically giving you more respect and are intimidated by white skin but they think it is fine when an Asian is in the lift.”

How many times have I come across this attitude in Asia? In India, among Chinese, among so many Asians.

Before we complain of other people being racist, let us stop and analyse  how often and why we  Asians perceive white people as superior, richer and smarter and often look down upon dark skinned people and are less courteous to them.  

Breaking your conditioning – Catch yourself, every time you automatically attribute certain characteristics to a person because of their skin colour. 

Review: Dookudu’s love story

An acquaintance told me to watch Dookudu because it was awesome. Dookudu is a hit Telugu movie from 2011.  

I have picked up the love story from the entire movie which was little and strung them together. A little background:

Mahesh is a cop and Samantha’s dad is his senior. Sam hides from her dad the fact that she is a fashion designer because her dad is a strict traditional guy. So do her mom and sis who pretend to be traditional at home. She goes to Turkey for a show. Mahesh goes to Turkey for an operation. They meet. They seem to fall in love. They meet again in India because he works under her dad. They get married.

In Turkey

• Scene 1

Mahesh and his team assume that Samantha is a don’s girlfriend and follow. She is angry that she is being followed by some roadside romeos and confronts them. He reacts and stands up like he is going to hit her that moment. Mahesh realises it was an error. Follow her when she goes with her mom and sis onto a ferry. He butters upto her mom but she is pissed and tell him to go to hell

• Scene 2  

He goes to her to clear the misunderstandings.  She is almost yelling at him to go away. He forcefully puts his hand over her mouth, pushes her against the wall, holds her hand down and tells her the truth, like he is kidnapping her.

• Scene 3  

She forgets her bag at a railway station. She cries because she feels she is paying for her sin of lying to her father. Our Mahesh walks in with a hanky and returns her bag. He gives a lecture to them and tells Samantha’s friend not to forget her culture and not roam in clothes like those in a foreign country. Samantha is shown as falling in love with him already. 

• Scene 4  

He is speaking ill of her behind her back to his friends. Of course, she walks in when is speaking like that but then he does not know it. He speaks of getting her under control after marriage. He speaks ill of her mother who was in western clothes. She is pissed.

• Scene 5  

He tells her goodbye and tell her he will forget her and she feels bad. He tells his friend that you need to use such tricks to get the girl to come after you.

In India

• Scene 6

They accidentally end up meeting her in a car when Mahesh is giving a lift to the dad and dad picks up Sam from Temple. Mahesh realises that Samantha, her mom and sis have been lying to their dad. They dress in traditional clothes at home and claim she went for classes to Delhi, when in fact she was in Turkey for a fashion designing show, where she met Mahesh.  

Samantha’s mom is seen asking for permission from her husband (Samantha’s dad) to go to market. Sam’s dad is proud of how traditional and good women of his house are and keeps berating Mahesh’s girlfriend (who is Sam and her dad does not know that yet). Mahesh calls her girlfriend? When did they even date?

Mahesh uses this knowledge to keep irking Sam. Then truth comes out. Mahesh explains to  dad the situation. So, your dad would not understand your point of view or let you pursue a career of your choice but when a man comes and explains to your dad, he gets it. Women, one more reason you need men.

Of course, Sam is deep in love with him after he talks to her dad and supports her career.

• Scene 7

She runs into Mahesh in a bar where he is in some undercover operation but she tries to talk to him. He tells her to go and she insists on talking. He slaps her to send her away. Her friends justifies the slap by saying she disturbed him when he was on duty. There is no second scene where he apologises or sends her an SMS at least.

• Scene 8

Next day, she again runs into him in a car park. She talks to him even after he slapped her. He is again on duty. A criminal shoots a gun and she is shocked and he runs after the criminal

• Scene 9

Mahesh goes to Sam’s house and asks her parents to talk to his parents for fixing marriage.

• Scene 10

Mahesh and Sam get married.

The movie is okay and I feel Mahesh babu has done better movies. The other parts are okay and the storyline seemed a bit improbable in some aspects.

What hit me the most was the misogyny. I could not believe the female who recommended this movie to me did not find anything wrong with the treatment of the lead actress. He does not contact her. He speaks ill of her behind her back. He slaps her. Yet, she falls in love with him. Men seems to have to do so little to snag a girl in India. Treat her poorly, push her away, act like you are going to hit her any moment she irritates you and she will be after you. Do women really have such low self esteem? I think yes, if your society keeps telling you women are inferior all the time.

I know there will be a set of people who will say I am over reacting and that it is just a movie and I want them to note certain points:

-  We persistently show such messages all over in media and in our society, so much so that we begin to accept it as normal

-   A large number of people are heavily influenced by movies and rely on them as role models.

-   If India were not a misogynist society with so many crimes against women, we can relax that such movies do not have any effect. Well, stats & my observations show that it is not the case.

-   It is not only me but also westerners who could not believe the misogyny in this movie.

This leads me to wonder, how ingrained misogyny has become ingrained in our collective psyche that we being to think it is normal that men treat women poorly and we believe it is love and that it is acceptable. We are giving both men and women wrong prototypes for behaviour in relationships.

Ladies, do yourself a favour and stop dating/marrying a man who treats you with little respect. 

Review: Bombay Cafe Singapore

Bombay Café, Singapore has been on my to-go-to-eat list for a long time and I finally went last week, not once but twice. I went to the branch opposite Mustafe centre because they will most likely have the best cook.  I had one lunch on a Tuesday and one dinner on a Wednesday, so we covered different times and different dishes. Note that it is a vegetarian restaurant.

Décor: Nice. They have movie posters of Bollywood framed all over. Pink and black as the website and the décor does not look outdated.

Music: Bollywood songs and they are not repetitive. Some places have 2 CDs they keep playing over and over again and it is not fun.

Service: Good. Food did come within a decent period of time.

Website: Can do with some updating. The menu with their price is on the website. GST and 10% service charges apply.  

http://www.bombaycafe.com.sg/index.html

Now comes the most important part.

Food: These are things we ordered.

1. Pani puri/ gol guppa – Disspointing. The puri was pretty thick, which is not how it should be.
2. Pav Bhaji – Very good.
3. Mango lassi – Good
4. Kabab Sizzler – This consisted of various kebabs and starters served on a sizzling plate of jeera rice, a bowl of daal makhani and naan. The naan was great. Daal makhani was great. Too much rice – I do not like being served an overload of carbs.  The jeera rice was very good. Grilled paneer – awesome. The paneer was definitely fresh and not frozen Grilled Cauliflower – awesome Stuffed potato (bharwan aloo)– was okay but I was too full by then Vegetable rolls – okay but then I was full.
5. Dry gobi manchuria – awesome. Definitely one of the best I have tasted in Sg
6. Naan  separately – Awesome
7. Grilled cauliflower (separately) – awesome
8. Paneer butter masala – Great.
9. Daal makhani (separately) – awesome
10. Kulfi – great
11. Rasgulla – okayish

Overall, I really liked their food. They serve very good food on weekdays too, while some Indian restaurants here will have good food on weekends but not on weekdays. Great food and this has become one of my top 3 favourite restaurants for Indian food in town.

Disclaimer: I was not paid by anybody for this review. It is the personal opinion of my friends and I. 

Steps to a new reader

Google reader is shutting down and that is sad news. I rely on it to follow a large number of blogs and I do not want a barrage of emails in my inbox updating me about new posts. I am used to it. 

1. Initially I was in denial. They really can’t be shutting it down.  
2. Then, I continue using Google Reader because it is shutting down only in July.
3. I start searching for a new reader and that constitutes reading articles about the alternatives.
4. I try many of them, see how it looks on a browser. See how it looks on my my iPad. Try the apps they have.
5. I could not seem to like anything and I went back to Google reader.
6. Finally, I tried Bloglovin and I am very happy with it. I do not open my Google Reader any more which I used to do when I was trying other apps. You can import all your feeds directly which many other readers are offering because GR is shutting down.

Thanks to the users who suggested Bloglovin on a post here. I am glad I tried it  :) 

I got it!

So, yesterday I took leave from office. I went to the university to collect my degree scroll.  I went to the office. Clearly you are not allowed inside and you have to call them on the phone from outside and state your purpose.

“So, how do you feel?”

“Erm, nothing.”

“I am interviewing you for a documentary. You gotta give a proper answer. So, how do you feel that all this is over and you never have to come back?”

“I feel calm. A sigh of relief. Like I peed after holding it in for a pretty long time.”

“Whoever answers like that!”

“Ha ha”

The lady came out, asked me my ID and took out my degree cert from the drawers. She gave me my certificate and asked me to sign and that was it.

I do not like rituals or ceremonies (unless I made them for myself) where you have to dress up which was why I will be skipping the graduation ceremony which is going to held in sometime. Also, it is not like I have many classmates I would be seeing graduate with me and the ceremony is an opportunity to meet them.

Finally, I got my degree.

It sure was one hell of a journey but I grew so much through this degree.

Why is female pleasure taboo?

I was at a dinner party. We had people from all over but majority were Indians. Jokes were going around. Conversation turns around to blogs and me.

“You know how many blogs she follows!”

Surprised looks.

” You know she follows blogs on female sexuality”

Giggles going around.

“It is not a joke. How many women have even experienced a single orgasm in their entire lives? It is so often because of our society and men who deny it to them.”

Complete silence for 30 seconds. Nobody laughed. Nobody said anything.

That brings me to the point. Why were they silenced by female pleasure? The same set of people are considered progressive, drink, wear western clothes, joke about porn, sex and movies like Basic Instinct but the mention of female orgasm shuts them up. Like pleasure of women is non existent and men’s pleasure in every form is important.

Sexuality is all pervasive but taboo. Women are all over but their pleasure (in any form – sexual or not) is taboo. Women are only meant for service and their desires and wishes are always in terms of men and putting everybody else’s needs first.

Isn’t that what we have been conditioned into? All the ideal women images we have been fed into are sacrificing, mothers, wives and similar types. A woman who is into her own pleasure is selfish. A woman who has her own ideas and desires is selfish. Women feel and are made to feel uncomfortable with feeling good and pleasure.

Breaking your conditioning – Catch yourself every time you associate guilt with pleasure and feel embarrassed about women and pleasure.

Conditioned into misogyny

I am tired of hearing news of rape after rape. Anyway, I do not have much faith in our government or police or our judicial system.

We were discussing about this and somebody was like “Is it the Indian men? Why does this keep on happening?”

I believe this is a systemic problem:

1. The institutions in this country are hardly functional or efficient.
2. The attitudes of our society – this includes people of all genders and orientations.

I think it is time, we really examined our attitudes and how we consciously or subconsciously, through tiny little or big actions  perpetrate misogyny, gender discrimination and a failure to treat people with respect.

We need to break free from the the gender social conditioning  we are full of.

Breaking your conditioning - Really examine your actions and thoughts. Do they come from a place of inferiority of women? Change starts with awareness.